


paint how you see me

by theunluckyninja



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bram is an artist too, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Simon is sad, bram is soft, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theunluckyninja/pseuds/theunluckyninja
Summary: Objectively, Simon knows this is the best possible outcome. After all the shit he went through junior year, he still came out (pun not intended) on top. He has an open and loving family, amazingly supportive friends, and the most incredible boyfriend he could have ever dreamed of. He has everything he could have ever asked for and more. So why does he still feel wrong?orSimon is having a "Bad Brain Day" and Bram is soft and does what he can to make it better. ♥️
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 73





	paint how you see me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends this is my first time ever attempting writing so it's a little all over the place. But I love these sweet boys and once this concept got stuck in my head I had to get it out somehow.
> 
> This is based off of my own experience with anxiety and depression and "Bad Brain Days." I figured there's no way Simon made it out of his junior year without some lasting psychological impact.
> 
> (I am not grammatical and this is un-beta'd so pls forgive errors)
> 
> Also, the title is a reference from the show Firebringer by Starkid because I'm a dork :)

Objectively, Simon knows this is the best possible outcome. After all the shit he went through junior year, he still came out (pun not intended) on top. He has an open and loving family, amazingly supportive friends, and the most incredible boyfriend he could have ever dreamed of. He has everything he could have ever asked for and more. So why does he still feel wrong?

As Simon lays in bed with Bieber by his side, he can’t help but feel like this was a fluke. That maybe he’s stuck in a dream that he doesn’t deserve. Even the best people don’t always get a happy ending, so why did he? It’s not like he’s an amazing humanitarian, sure he plants trees on arbor day and collects canned food around the holidays, but that’s just because Bram and his mom brought him along. Not that Simon is necessarily a bad person either. He’s done some pretty shitty things in the past year, but that was for the sake of protecting himself as well as Bram and his friends have long since forgiven him. But regardless, he can’t wrap his head around how he ended up where he is now. He doesn’t deserve a great love story, he’s just Simon. 

While laying in bed moping about his shortcomings and listening to his Great Depression playlist, Simon finds his mind drifting back to Bram, as it always does. Bram. As cliche as it is, Simon can’t hold in the audible sigh that escapes each time he thinks of his gorgeous boyfriend. Cute Bram. Bram of the soccer calves and Reese’s peanut butter cups. Bram of the grammatical emails who, Simon has come to learn, also texts in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation. Like, seriously?! Not even his parents text that way. (Though his dad texts mostly in GIFs and his mom is way too into her Bitmoji so that’s not saying much.) Wait, why is he thinking about his parents? Back to Bram.

Where Simon is completely mediocre, Bram is stellar. He is the entire package and then some. He is the star of the soccer team, has perfect grades, and is beautiful in every sense of the word. Also, as Simon discovered recently, Bram is secretly an incredible artist. He doesn’t show his pieces to anyone and only works in the studio during his free periods. Anyways, all of this is simply to say that he is super fucking out of Simon’s league.

Simon eventually falls asleep to the subdued sounds of Sufjan Stevens intermingled with Bieber’s soft snores.

Despite Simon’s hope that he would sleep off his bad mood from the last night, he wakes up feeling just as inadequate. Rolling over to check his phone he sees a good morning text from Bram, timestamped 6:30 am. Add being a morning person to the list of Bram’s great qualities that Simon will never possess. After the obligatory 20 minutes of stretching and groaning, Simon finally manages to pull himself out of bed. After wallowing for so long, there’s no time for a shower, and it’s not like it would have made him anymore presentable anyway. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he can’t help but be disappointed. His perpetually messy hair, his dull eyes hidden behind thick lenses, his ill-defined pale torso, his limbs that refuse to gain muscle, and his short stature to round it all out. Will he be stuck looking like an awkward middle schooler for the rest of his life? Simon quickly closes his closet door to avoid any more interactions with his mirror knowing full well it would only make his spiral worse. 

Not even the Elliott Smith shirt that Bram bought him so many months ago was comforting today. It was just another reminder of how oblivious he was for so long, of how much he hurt Bram before even knowing who he was. Simon ended up in an old striped shirt that was worn down and stretched out in all the right places to hide his worst attributes, plain black jeans that masked the shape of his bottom half, and of course a signature hoodie. He chose one that somehow still had its string inside the hood just in case he needed the extra security of hiding his face.

“Well, this is as good as it’s gonna get,” Simon said to no one in particular before swinging out of the room and down the stairs to his car out front. 

–––––

School isn’t any better than the past 12 hours had been for Simon. He knows his friends can tell something is wrong but can’t bring himself to vocalize what is going on when they ask. He knows they just want to help which of course only makes him feel worse. But if he tells them what he’s thinking, they might get scared off. They will realize he’s too hard to deal with. No. It’s better to push them away than wait for them to leave him behind.

Bram is, of course, the wonderful and dutiful boyfriend that he always is. He knows Simon too well and can spot a “Bad Brain Day,” as Simon had taken to calling them, almost immediately. He lightly brushed his fingers against Simon’s sleeve and waited for the almost imperceptible nod giving permission to fully grasp his hand.

The first half of the school day seemed to drag on endlessly. Each passing second felt more like an hour and Simon knew he wasn’t absorbing any material. He couldn’t even remember what class he was in at times. When the lunch bell finally rang Simon almost ran directly into his boyfriend who was patiently waiting outside of the history classroom. “Let’s go,” Bram whispered as he grabbed Simon’s hand and began to lead them down the hallways. “But what about our friends?” Simon whined. “They’re already mad at me. I can’t ditch them again.” Bram sighed and offered a soft smile, “No one is mad at you, Simon. They’re just worried about you. Now come on, they can survive one lunch period without us.”

The two boys ended up in their usual hidden spot, the prop closet in the art hallway. Simon doesn’t have time to unpack that symbolism as he’s just happy to be somewhere quiet. As they sat on the floor Bram fixed Simon with one of his signature knowing looks. “So are you going to tell me what’s going on in the pretty head of yours?” Bram said with a slight laugh. Simon just looked down at his hands gathered in his lap. The other scooted closer to rest a soft hand on his knee. “Hey, Simon, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m here if you do. I can’t read your mind. I can’t make things better if I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

When Simon finally met Bram’s eyes, he couldn’t hide the tears that were threatening to fall. “I’m just waiting,” he whispered.  
“Waiting for what?”  
“Waiting for you to realize.”  
“For me to realize what, babe? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Simon simply sighed before letting out the word vomit that had been building up. “For you to realize that you can do so much better than me. That you deserve more than I can give you. You shouldn’t have to put up with all this. You shouldn’t have to put up with me. You don’t get it, you’re perfect. You could have literally anyone that you wanted but instead, you ended up with me. With someone who brings nothing to the table. With someone who takes you away from your friends to deal with his stupid emo shit that doesn’t even matter. You’re gorgeous and talented and kind and I’m just me. I’m short and ugly and talentless. I ruin every single good thing that comes my way. You’re the best thing in my life and I don’t want to ruin you too.” By the end of his rant, Simon doesn’t even bother trying to hold in his emotions and just lets the sobs rake through his body.

“Simon,” Bram breathes out while gathering his boyfriend’s trembling form into his lap. He just lets Simon soak his shirt with tears while speaking softly into his ear, “I’m not ‘putting up’ with you. I’m choosing you. I want you. I love you. You are everything I could have ever dreamed of. I never knew I could be this happy and that’s all because of you. I am here because I want to be. I am here because I want to help you. I am here because you are so so so worth it. You could never ruin this. As long as you let me, I’ll be here. I promise.”

They just stay like that, wrapped up together, for the rest of lunch. Bram whispering “I love you” and other reassurance’s into Simon’s hair and pressing soft kisses to the top of his head.

When the bell finally rings to signify the end of lunch Bram walks Simon to his next class. He presses a soft kiss to his cheek and asks, “I’ve got some stuff to work on during my free period but I’ll be free after school. Can I come over?” Simon just nods and gives his boyfriend’s hand one final squeeze before going into class to face the rest of the day. Knowing that he has an entire afternoon with Bram to look forward to, the second half of the day passes much more quickly and before Simon can even process it, school is over.

**Bram ♥️  
_I’ll meet you by your car. I just need to grab something before we head out. I love you. ♡_**

****__

__

**Simon  
_okey see u soon_**

**__**

**__**

–––––

The drive home is a comfortable quiet as Elliott Smith comes softly through the speakers. Bram’s fingers stay intertwined with Simon’s until they’re forced to separate and exit the car. They shout quick hello’s to Simon’s family as they make their way upstairs and to the bed. Simon goes to queue up The Great Depression yet again before having his phone knocked out of his hand. “Nope. No more moping,” Bram declares as he picks up the phone and instead shuffles the first playlist Simon ever made him, Carnival Lights. He sits on the edge of the bed with his backpack in his hands and gestured for Simon to join him.

Once they’re both comfortable Bram begins to fidget with the zipper of his bag. “So I’ve been working on a new project. Do you maybe want to see it?” he asks carefully. “Of course,” Simon replies with his first genuine smile that day, “I will take any excuse to hype up my incredibly talented boyfriend.”

Bram slowly and carefully pulls 5 thick pieces of paper out of his bag and hands them one by one to his boyfriend. The first is a landscape of a lakeside dock and beach. Simon immediately recognizes it as being Bram’s dad’s lakehouse where they had spent spring break together. The next painting is of the night sky with a bright full moon filling the majority of the page. It’s done in varying shades of grey and silver with smatterings of white stars decorating the background. The third is a watercolor of a simple bed, of Bram’s bed. Simon inhales sharply at seeing it depicted with rumpled sheets as he can’t remember the last time he had seen his incredibly neat partner with an unmade bed. Next is a more abstract piece featuring an anatomically correct heart against a splatter paint surface. The last piece is a Bob Ross inspired park scene with a picnic spread out beneath a large oak tree.

“Bram,” Simon sighs, “these are gorgeous.” Bram looks directly into his eyes, “So are you.” He watches as Simon’s smile falters slightly before blushing and looking away. “Hey, look at me,” he asks “the project was to paint someone you love in five parts.” Simon looks up confused, “I don’t get it. I’m not in any of these,” he catches himself and quickly adds “not that I was assuming you would paint me. I’m sorry that was so self-centered of me.” “No no no,” Bram cuts him off, “these are all of you.” Simon still isn’t sure what he means.

“Look,” Bram explains, “each painting is a piece of you”

“The dock on the lake. Your hair is the same color as the sand, it always reminds me of happy summers with my dad and the warmth of the sun. It’s also where we were the first time I told you I loved you. That I loved you as Bram and Simon, not just Blue and Jacques. I loved you then, and I love you know, and I will keep loving you for as long as you’ll let me.”

He flips to the next image. “The moon. Your eyes have all the same magic and mystery of the night sky. They were the first thing I noticed about you and I still get lost in them regularly. I just feel lucky to get to float in the stars that surround you, to be illuminated by your glow. Even though I can’t always see you, I know you’re always there.”

His bed is now on top. “My bed. Touching your skin is like sinking into the softest sheets in the world. You are my safe space, my home is where you are. I can’t lay next to you without feeling more comfortable than I ever have. It’s also the place where you first let down your walls with me. You let me learn and feel every part of you, and I fell in love with each new discovery. You did the same for me, you taught me that it’s okay to come unmade. I don’t need to be perfect for you to see me that way.”

Simon picks up the painting of the heart. “My heart. When I hold you close you’re at the perfect height. Your head rests over my heart which is exactly where you belong. You make me feel more things than I knew existed. Each time you hug me my heart bursts into color and I never want you to let go. You color my life from the inside out and I am more beautiful because of it.”

Tears are prickling at the corners of both boy’s eyes, but they aren’t the sad ones from earlier that day. “Lastly, the tree. You are so much stronger than you let yourself believe. You are always growing and changing and you only get stronger and more resilient as time passes. You always support and protect everyone around you without asking for anything in return. It’s where we once spent 6 hours just listening to the birds, talking about anything and everything, eating Oreos, and drinking iced coffee until the sunset. It was simple and perfect. It was you.”

For the second time today, Simon gives in to the tears and allows himself to collapse into his boyfriend’s strong arms. But this time he’s smiling when he states “I absolutely do not deserve you. You’re too good for me.” Bram pulls back to brush away Simon’s tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Simon Spier, you deserve every last good thing the universe has to offer. I’m just lucky that I get to be the one who gives them to you.” They sit and for a few breaths just look at each other taking the other in, both feeling full to the brim with love.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too”

“Is this really how you see me?” Simon asks as he places the paintings back in order. “They’re beautiful”

“Yes, and so are you,” Bram states simply.

And for once, Simon might actually believe him.


End file.
